Thursday, April 2, 2009

An Oral History of the Blowjob

Today, we bring you the fifth installment of Abnormality, the original comic Mr. Rowntree will be updating every Monday here on Cracked.

Check out past updates, in which Winston illustrated Every Album Ever and The Circle of Life for Jocks and Nerds or weeks before when he showed you How To Win At Panhandling and How NOT to Get Revenge on Your Ex.

READ MORE - An Oral History of the Blowjob

13 Facts About Women…Men Forget


Women confuse men. That’s a given. But it’s not because we don’t learn from our past relationships; we just forget everything we learned in the time between one and the next. And we only remember how different the two genders are when a woman’s inherent eccentricities rear their wild head, once again.

To keep things in check, we’ve compiled a cheat sheet to help you keep your girl’s differences in perspective with COED’s 13 Facts About Women Men Forget. So no matter how cool the chick,chances are she (is)

Full of Sh*t: Before you call NOW, let us just say that this is only a periodic trait, and exists in varying degrees. Most of the time, it comes out in what we like to call a “game,” but outside of a relationship it’s called lying. Basically, she tells you one thing, but means something more than her words. (Words only seem to matter when she remembers to use yours against you.) Other times, it happens when she thinks lying serves a purpose greater than the truth of the moment. So, she might have gone to lunch with her ex and said she didn’t–but he was a dick like usual, so it wasn’t a big enough deal to tell you about (i.e., she cares about you enough to not want to hurt your feelings, but not enough to stop looking elsewhere). Now, try going out with your ex…

More Complicated Than You: When a man says all he needs is some time for TV, some time for drinking beer (aside from time spent watching TV) and some sex, he isn’t kidding. Most guys are often easily pleased, regularly content (if not happy) and down for pretty much anything. That’s what we mean by “easy-going.” When you’re not dating a woman (or have just started dating her, and she likes you), she can have no trouble matching that description. However, once she’s comfortably in a relationship, she unveils a net of internal and inter-personal intricacies capable of confusing the crap out of any man. It’s a lot of ins, outs, what-have-yous, and it’s F’ing difficult to remember.

Requires Compliments: Ok ladies, we get it–you have terrible self-esteem. And that sucks. We’re sure it’s our fault, somehow. (How?) But unless you want to start telling us what a gigantic d*ck we have every time we see you, give us a break if we don’t notice what you’re wearing from time to time. Maybe what you’re wearing sucks. Did you think of that?…Uh, sorry honey. What we meant to say was, that weird bag dress you threw on looks awesome.

Believes She Knows More About You Than You Do: Again, this only happens after her relationship is in a comfortable spot. At that point, if there’s something she doesn’t like about you, she will probably try to change it. Note: If you’re cheating on her, it’s ok for her to want that to stop. But if you’re just wearing the wrong shirt, or have the wrong haircut, that’s not her sh*t to change. You know how you want your hair, damnit. Tell her so–she’ll appreciate you standing up for yourself.

P.S. Women: Don’t believe anything Cosmo or any other “female-targeted publication” tells you about what guys like. Just keep it as close to BJs and BBQ as possible and you’re in the green.

Evil Toward Other Girls: Unless you beat women (in which case, you should be getting your ass kicked right now, or in jail–preferably both) it’s difficult to comprehend the razor-sharp viciousness women lash each other with during a feud. Angry women are cold, calculating–and if they decide to fight back, they inflict the most damage possible. And this is the part guys forget: Mess up, and they’ll do the same to you! So if you catch your girl hitting below the belt with emails and rumors against someone you thought was her friend, watch your back, that’s all we’re saying.

Self Conscious About Something: This is essentially the cause of “Requires Compliments,” from above. But what women don’t realize is that, when a guy is with a girl, he thinks she’s hot. That’s a given in a guy’s mind, and doesn’t change much. So we completely forget that women, in general, are nervous wrecks of internal anguish. Usually, their fluctuating insecurity is about their bodies, which they say is a product of our cruel desire for them. (As if women are so kind to each other on this front…) Really, it’s about all types of stuff. So guys, if you take this fact of female existence to heart, it helps explain many of their womanly mysteries. (Not the g-spot one, though…)

Crazy: We know this is cliche, but let’s get something straight: When chemical imbalances (i.e., changes in hormone levels) control your thoughts, words and actions–that’s called crazy. A “visit from aunt flow,” as they say, is enough to throw many women over the edge–at least for a couple of days. And while we will forever hold hope that there’s a reliably sane one amongst them, we are yet to even hear of her existence. In fact, most women admit their (temporary) insanity; you’d know if you listen to them. Don’t, and that’s some sh*t they’ll use against you, if you make the mistake of not knowing what the hell is going on.

Not Funny: Believe us, we’ve met (and dated) plenty of funny women. They’re not always fat and not always lesbian. Some of them are hot, and those chicks are the best. But for the most part, women just like to laugh at our jokes (they all say they want a funny man), and suck at coming up with their own. And when it comes to stand-up comedians, women have Lisa Lampanelli and Sarah Silverman and…uh…yeah, that’s it. Unless you count Courtney Love, but we doubt you want to claim her.

A Star-F**ker: Given the opportunity, most women would seriously consider screwing a (cool) famous person, just for the f**k of it. Even your girlfriend. It’s just in their nature. (Non-virgin) guys don’t get obsessed with famous people the way women do. (Just go to a Justin Timberlake concert, or at least stand outside and watch to see.) We’re not saying she’ll cheat on you, but she would definitely weigh her options, given the chance. Especially if the dude plays a guitar or drums. Those dudes get laid, always. Double the chances again if he has an accent. Basically, if she’s going to an after party, agree to meet her there–or consider yourself a dumbass. (She will.)

A Better Liar: When a man lies, he knows he’s doing something wrong. He’ll dart his eyes, mumble, change the subject and try to just get the hell out of the situation as fast as possible. When a woman lies, she can look the person she loves square in the eye and feed him the biggest load of bullsh*t ever, and make it seem like she’s being perfectly reasonable–more reasonable than usual! (That’s your first clue.) But pity the man who catches his woman in a lie; call her out on it, and she will drop her entire arsenal of your f**k-ups upon your quickly withering form. Forget that tactic; it’s better to just go get drunk and hit on other chicks out of spite.

Enjoys Cat Calls: First of all, most dudes don’t call out to girls on the street; we check out your ass and overflowing push-up bra from a respectable distance. But women don’t just (secretly, deep down) enjoy getting cat calls thrown their way, they expect it. Sure, some dude might go over the line now and then, and that never feels nice. But if nobody stares and nobody says a single lewd comment, she feels less sexy, like there’s something wrong with her that day, or at least with what she’s wearing. Guys, don’t take this as an invitation to hit on every stranger you see walking down the street. But ladies, stop telling us you don’t like it.

Constantly Looks For Inner-Meaning: For men, saying exactly what you mean stands as a matter of pride. But no matter how straight your talk, women like to feel like they have more control over the situation by attempting to decode what you’re not saying, so they can guess how you’re feeling and what to do next. Here’s the thing, ladies: Men only talk to accomplish a goal of some type, like working out a business plan. You talk just to talk. It makes you feel better just to get everything out there. If talking isn’t for any reason other than to talk, he’d rather do anything else.

Uses Sex To Manipulate Men: If she’s looking extra hot and/or acting particularly friendly, beware: she is probably going to ask you to do something you don’t want to do. (This is a perfectly acceptable trade-off in a woman’s mind.) She knows you like sex, and she’s got the tools to use that desire against you–or at least to get what she wants. But sex is what we want, so don’t get us wrong on this one: We want you to use sex to manipulate us. It’s the best form of manipulation possible. But don’t think we don’t know what you’re up to.

READ MORE - 13 Facts About Women…Men Forget

Porn Stars Who Twitter 44


Well, hot damn! Everyone seems to be on Twitter these days, including a ton of your favorite porn stars! By following their feeds, not only are you one click away from chatting with some of the sexiest chicks in the industry, you get to learn about what their lives are like when they’re not, um, working… You know, if you’re into that kind of thing. (P.S. Don’t forget to click their pictures for some semi-SFW galleries!)



Kayden Kross

Twitter ID: kayden_kross

Best Tweet:Well my horse almost killed me and I’m still not allowed to buy peanut butter. This world is dangerous I’m just going to watch a movie.”

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Puma Swede

Twitter ID: PumaSwede

Best Tweet: “Drawing a nude male model and he takes too many brakes damn lazy c*nt!”

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Nikki Benz

Twitter ID: NikkiBenz

Best Tweet:I’m stuffed”

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Dana Dearmond

Twitter ID: danadearmond

Best Tweet: “just because you see something in a movie doesnt mean its ok to do it in real life. i.e. stepping on my head while f**king me.

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Janine Lindemulder

Twitter ID: FreeJanine

Best Tweet: “Is coming up for air.” 1:37 AM Feb 22nd from mobile web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Alektra Blue

Twitter ID: clubalektrablue

Best Tweet: “On my way to the club to shake my ass! :) ” 9:20 PM Feb 21st from TwitterFon

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Eva Angelina

Twitter ID: evaangelinaxxx

Best Tweet: “@casscalogeraxxx breathe and practice with the butt plug around house. Just leave it in and get comfortable.” about 14 hours ago from twidroid in reply to casscalogeraxxx

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Tegan Presley

Twitter ID: MsTeaganPresley

Best Tweet: “Just got done being naked…Shower & Tanning” 12:51 AM Feb 11th from twitterrific

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Bree Olson

Twitter ID:BreeOlson9

Best Tweet: “Okay fellow tweeters, I’m off to bed to masturbate and rub all over this 130 pound new body of mine.” Kisses.2:39 AM Feb 23rd from twitterrific

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Sinnamon Love

Twitter ID: SinnamonLove

Best Tweet: “Eww.. It’s red and starting to get puffy :( ouch!” 1:02 AM yesterday from twitterrific

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Jenny Hendrix

Twitter ID: jennyhendrix

Best Tweet: “is it wrong that I love big fake t*ts! i think its f**king hot!” 3:48 PM Feb 19th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Lexi Belle

Twitter ID: OMGitsLexi

Best Tweet: “isssssssssss……..sitting, with alexis texas, doing nothing……thinking about smoking the weeeeeeeds…..” 9:58 PM Feb 19th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Alexis Texas

Twitter ID: Alexis_Texas

Best Tweet: “Getting ready to snowboard for the first time ever!!! I’m so excited I just hope my big Butt eases my fall” 11:30 AM Feb 19th from twitterrific

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Penny Flame

Twitter ID: pennyflame

Best Tweet: No updates so far.

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Tori Black

Twitter ID: misstoriblack

Best Tweet: “about to go shoot for vivid with steve holmes. a little nervous, his penis is huge! and its my first time shooting for vivid. wish me luck.” 11:11 AM Jan 28th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Brooke Haven

Twitter ID: brookehavenxxx

Best Tweet: “@NikkiBenz what kinda new mattress love ? u need help breaking it in ??” 2:05 PM Feb 20th from web in reply to NikkiBenz

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Alana Evans

Twitter ID: alanaevansxxx

Best Tweet: “coke and vodka is a nice mix… time for the stripper pole” 2:07 AM Feb 21st from txt

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Stevie Hart

Twitter ID: StevieHart

Best Tweet: “dirty text messages rock my f**king world. yum.”

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Michelle Maylene

Twitter ID: michellemaylene

Best Tweet: “Just went horseback riding in the rain!!! It was ammmaaazing! My girl fell off her horse!! Haha

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Tyler Faith

Twitter ID: tylerfaith

Best Tweet: “Eating pizza & watching wedding crashers

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Ashley Steel

Twitter ID: ashleysteel

Best Tweet: “Pretty sure I’m fighting viral meningitis due to this chickenpox virus attacking my nervous system. Arms, face & foot are painfully numb too” 9:32 PM Feb 22nd from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Stormy Daniels

Twitter ID: pornstarstormy

Best Tweet: “going to tan and get my nails done for the party tonight at Strokers…I get to judge lingerie bull riding..woohoo! I love Tampa” 4:56 PM Feb 16th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Sydney Moon

Twitter ID: SydneyMoon

Best Tweet: “leaning and organizing again. It’s much more fun in my sexy black bra and panties. What a way to vacuum!” 7:30 PM Feb 4th from web



Gianna Lynn

Twitter ID: gianna_lynn

Best Tweet: “B-b-b-b-benny and the jets!” 2:35 PM Feb 18th from twitterrific

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Allyssa Hall

Twitter ID: Allyssahall

Best Tweet: “waiting for my bf to cum home from colorado and made some cookies for us” about 14 hours ago from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Sophie Dee

Twitter ID: sophiedee

Best Tweet: “he stove and kettle caught on fire, whole apartment was in smoke, my baby dogs were freaking out, couldnt even see apartment. scary!!!” 2:33 AM Feb 19th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Jessie Lee

Twitter ID: OMGitsJessieLee

Best Tweet: “@madisonmitchell tell him to shut upand put your tittay in his mouth.” about 11 hours ago from mobile web



Melrose Foxxx

Twitter ID: melrosef

Best Tweet: “Ok yall, IF i go to one more persons house that have a cat or dog and the house is dirty and smells like sh*t, ima go crazy!” 11:54 AM Feb 20th from mobile web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Madison Mitchell

Twitter ID: MadisonMitchell

Best Tweet: “Thiiiiiiiiissss hurtsssssssssss f**k” about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Thea Marie

Twitter ID: theamarie_4u

Best Tweet: “if you have siblings that go mentaly ill on you and then tells EVERYONE your secrets… what would you do?” 6:17 PM Dec 1st, 2008 from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Taryn Thomas

Twitter ID: TarynThomas

Best Tweet: “@StevieJ102 So are you going with the jew coupe or what? HAHAHAHA” 11:22 PM Feb 21st from web in reply to StevieJ102

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Riley Steele

Twitter ID: rileysteele

Best Tweet: “go get a copy of nurses and watch all us dp girls get crazy together :) ” 5:36 PM Feb 19th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Angelina Armani

Twitter ID: xxxSupermodel

Best Tweet: “Just woke up naked and horny. Those drinks were good last night LOL….I need my daily dosage of c*ck.” 4:24 PM Feb 20th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Vicky Vette

Twitter ID: vettenationarmy

Best Tweet: “watching the rain and hitting the treadmill, responding to my blog about getting into porn….…” 11:56 AM Feb 18th from web

(Click photo to view full gallery)



Jenna Haze

Twitter ID: jenxstudios

Best Tweet: “wow I have 420 followers.. yay I better celebrate appropriately! :-)

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)




Twitter ID: stoya

Best Tweet:the ups man may have seen my boobs in the frenzy of box grabbing while wrapped in a blanket”

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)




Twitter ID: enterbelladonna

Best Tweet:Painting nails, shopping, being interviewed, lunch with an Australian friend, fantasizing of being nailed by Tony T. Yup that is my day.

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Jessica Drake

Twitter ID: thejessicadrake

Best Tweet: “on my way to party!!! I look like a disco ball!

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Joanna Angel

Twitter ID: JoannaAngel

Best Tweet:there is a new BA girl i named “tits” and she is awesome…. and so are her tits.

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Roxy Deville

Twitter ID: RoxyDeVille

Best Tweet: “getting my hair dyed for avn so i dont look like a f*cking homeless person” about 3 hours ago from mobile web

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Sasha Grey

Twitter ID: sashagrey

Best Tweet: “just finished a shoot…man I’m tired!”

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Sarah Blake

Twitter ID: meetsarahblake

Best Tweet: “I”m taking dirty pics today. I’m also fighting with my editing software. That bastard and murphy must have made a pact!” 11:04 AM Sep 10th, 2008 from Twitter Tools

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Jesse Jane

Twitter ID: jessejanerocks

Best Tweet: “Hey I just got back from Alaska with Stoya and Riley.We had a snowball fight in the North Pole” 12:22 PM Dec 16th, 2008 from web

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)



Marie Luv

Twitter ID: MarieLuv

Best Tweet: “So I just got a pedi & filmed it! You can see her cameltoe. Lol. Now for my hands!!!” January 7th from txt

(Click Photo to See Full Gallery)

READ MORE - Porn Stars Who Twitter 44